Intimate life in marriage.
I think it is an absolute shame when marriages fail because one or the other party in the marriage has grown unhappy or unsatisfied with the sexual aspect of the relationship. There is nothing more short sighted and selfish in my mind than for a person who is an otherwise typical marriage to begin having sex with other people in order to recapture that «first time feeling» again.
I believe that the sexual aspect of a successful relationship will change and grow, ebb and tide over the years but I think it’s important to understand that you may not feel that first time excitement each time you have sex with a partner that you’ve been with for a long time, but while you can’t necessarily recreate that first time experience with your partner, you can keep your sex life exciting and rewarding.
Also, while it’s true that if you take a new partner sexually you can indeed get that first time feeling the first few times that you actually have sex with that person, but soon you’ll find that feeling fading and you’ll have to begin your search again for a «first time» fix. This pattern can only repeat itself over and over, until this aspect of your life ultimately ruins all the other aspects of your life, your marriage, your peace of mind and even potentially your health.
In other words, if you give in to the urge to go have sex with someone new, just to get that new feeling again, you’re headed for heartache. Better to make the relationship you have more rewarding, add spice back into it, recapture some of that excitement with the person you already chose to spend your life with, and don’t fool yourself into thinking that an affair is going to replace what you think you’re missing. Don’t talk yourself into believing that sex with this new person would be so wonderful that the two of you would live «happily ever after» once you divorced your current spouse and remarried this new person. That’s a destructive fantasy and the odds of it becoming reality are slim at best.
Ok, so I’m convinced that you should adjust, repair or rebuild your sexual relationship with your current spouse, and wind up with a much more rewarding long term situation than if you give in to the allure of a new sex partner and have an affair. If I’ve still got your attention at this point, I’ll assume you’ve decided that I’ve made some sense, and that you will at least hear me out. So, let’s move on to some of the steps I think you need to take as you work to rearrange your outlook on this subject.
Your Ally in this Project
The first thing you must do is understand that you do not have to be alone in your effort to revitalize your sex life. Your spouse is already there for you, involved with your life, comfortable with you and has a vested interest in helping to save the marriage. My suggestion to you is to get this person involved right from the start. Don’t think to yourself «I have to figure out a way to get some excitement back into our sex life», but rather you should be taking the approach of «We need to work together to bring some excitement back into our sex life.» (Please take a minute to check out some of the highlighted books further down on this page. Most of them are specifically written to help you find ways to spice up your sex life right now!) That means you’ll need to have some frank, honest and open conversations with your spouse about this, which leads me to my next point…
Communication is Essential
Before you fix anything else, the first thing you need to work on is opening up a wide open, unobstructed communication channel between you and your spouse. You need to be able to get your spouse to understand and cooperate in the process, by carefully and lovingly explaining what you need and what you are trying to do. Now I said carefully and lovingly because if you don’t use some tact here, you could end the discussion before it begins by putting your spouse on the defensive or inadvertently hurting his/her feelings which will only put more distance between the two of you. Think this through before you begin to talk about it, and try to approach the subject with love, humor and patience. It’s important to make your spouse understand that you are sincerely interested in enhancing the quality of your sex life, with emphasis on the positive aspects of spicing things up, making life better in this department, rather than making this any sort of a negative.